For both men and women getting married is an important milestone in their adult lives. It signifies a legal union between two people that creates kinship. It is a union in which love for one another is formalised via a wedding ceremony. Depending on personal taste, circumstance and cultural background, the wedding ceremony can be elaborate or simple.
In Brunei, a complete traditional Brunei Malay wedding programme is not for the faint hearted and is big business. Pre-wedding events begins with the 'Jarum Jarum' where the groom sends his emissaries to the bride's house to indicate his noble intention of asking for the bride's hand in marriage and negotiations on dowry, dates and other formalities begin. What usually comes next is the 'Hantar Berian' where the bride and groom present each other gifts on adorned trays and is traditionally where the couple is now said to be "engaged".
The 'Berbedak Mandi' is the beginning of the wedding ceremony where the couple starts to be sequestered and begin nightly body scrubs done by elderly Malay women to ensure lovely skin during the wedding. What comes after is the 'Malam Berbedak' where guests in a powdering ceremony will bless the bride and groom. This is followed by the 'Malam Berinai' ceremony when the bride and groom are hennaed on their hands and feet. The ‘Akad Nikah’ or solemnisation ceremony follows this event, which is the most important part of the wedding process at which the bride and groom formally enter into the marriage contract and are officially married. The following day the couple undergo the highlight and culmination of the marriage process, the 'Bersanding' ceremony, where bride and groom sit on a dais and are treated as "king and queen" for the day.
Post wedding, we have the 'Ambil-Ambilan’, which is a party like event where the bride and groom's side mingle and be merry. Lastly come the 'Muleh 3 Hari' where the couple goes back to grooms house to start their lives in marital bliss.
These days a bride and groom in Brunei have options. The wedding process can be elaborate or as simple as they want it to be. As long as the solemnisation ceremony takes place, they are considered good to go.
I read with interest a report this week in the Malay language media, about a new mother in law, "Juli" (not her real name) whose daughter was recently married to a man called "Joe" (not his real name). Presumably Joe went through the rigmarole of the elaborate Bruneian wedding process, starting with sending emissaries to indicate his intention to the parents of his love and an agreement on the ceremonies and the amounts of the gifts.
It seems that Joe and his bride agreed on a simple all-in-one 'Hantar Berian' followed by the solemnisation ceremony and then later on a bersanding ceremony.
The 'Belanja Hangus' – the monetary contribution from the groom to the bride's family for the cost of the wedding, was part of Joe's 'Hantar Berian' to his bride. This usually consists of cash notes in large denominations, presented in a picture frame on a brass tray.
According to the report, after the end of the “Hantar Berian”, the families commenced with the Nikah ceremony. Juli in the meantime took the array of trays into a back room for the usual inspection. Much to Juli’s chagrin, she found that the one thousand dollars “belanja hangus” consisted in fact of colour printed 500 dollar pieces! Juli duly went back outside to stop the nikah proceedings. The father of the bride however chose to complete the ceremony. Boy did Joe have some explaining to do to his new in laws who were relying on his contribution for the costs of the wedding. Not the best of starts, but I wish them well and hope that they do live happily ever after.
Maybe it is a sign of the status and material obsessed times that we live in that we come across tales of wedding folly such as Juli and Joe’s. The fairy tale, boys and girls, shouldn’t be about the gilded carriage and four white horses, the shoes, the jewelry and the quality of the catering. I think that we should remember that the fairy tale should really be about the meaningful union of two souls and a celebration of the start of their life together.
@emmagoodegg
Illustration by Cuboi Art.
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